I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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