He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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