a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
