My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
