how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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