end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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