What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
