I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
