So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
