the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I want to fling myself into the sun
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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