Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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