Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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