hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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