so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
