Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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