First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
