Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
