First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
