susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
