Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
