Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
