my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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