I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How's work?
Spinning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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