Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
