If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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