R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
