I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
