i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
