WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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