I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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