i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
