Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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