I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
