How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
