so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
