hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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