Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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