# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
