There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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