I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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