When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
