Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
