There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My cat gives me a boner
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
