Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
