hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
