i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
