so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
