dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
