it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
