For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
