u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
being pregnant is like rehab
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
