I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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