I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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