So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
