Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
